In the world of toilet technology, automatic paper towel dispensers are a catastrophic step backwards. I understand the sagacity of wanting to conserve a precious resource like that yucky brown paper (BTW, if we wouldn’t wipe out butts with it, why in the hell are we using it to dry our hands?) but there are faaaaaaaaar more reasons to loathe this auto dispensing menace that there are to love it. In the interest of preserving freedom and democracy, I have assembled a short list below:
1. This is America, dammit. If you can get a delicious Junior Bacon with Cheese at Wendy’s for $.99, you should be able to spin off enough paper towel to encircle North Korea seven times.
2. Waving your hands underneath some imaginary pulp god, hoping desperately that he will grant you your one wish for dry hands technically makes you a “jack ass.”
3. “Pus_ Butt__”= timeless classic. Crafty artisans no longer able to scratch out the “h” or “on” will likely take to the streets in rioutous fashion.
4. The 3 square inches that the pulp god gives you would not pad the crutch of your garden variety leprachaun.
5. Hand-cranked dispensers require NO ELECTRICITY!
Ultimately, in the interests of saving the environment, I propose we cease hand-washing altogether– No paper waste, no water waste. No muss. No fuss. Just wipe your hands on the back of your pants. And if they get dirty, Mrs. Lycke does GREAT laundry. Seriously, just bring it by. She won’t mind.